Is it time to rethink our obsession with self-reliance?
Help is not a ‘four-letter word’. Yet many of us recoil from the concept and cringe at the idea of reaching out for support when we need it most. We feel unworthy and hesitant; as if we will be seen as incapable or a burden on others.
The truth is that self-reliance has become a big deal in many developed countries. We love stories about self-made individuals, pulling ourselves up by the bootstraps* and survivalists like Bear Grylls toughing it out in the jungle.
This idea is deeply rooted in Western culture, thanks to works like Ralph Waldo Emerson’s 1841 essay, Self-Reliance, in which Emerson praised those who thrive through challenges without relying on others. Since then, the concept has come to underpin our collective idea of strength and success.
*Note: The phrase “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” originally described trying to do something impossible, like lifting yourself off the ground by pulling on your own bootstraps. It highlights the absurdity of achieving success entirely on your own, without any help.
But maybe we’ve taken this self-sufficiency thing too far. By idolising self-reliance, we are largely ignoring important human traits like vulnerability, compassion, and the need for mutual support. And we are undermining our ability to thrive, in the process.
In an experiment by psychologist, Stanley Milgram, university students were so afraid to ask for a seat on the subway that they felt physically unwell.
In a UK study, two-thirds of high school maths students revealed that they would rather struggle alone than ask for help from teachers, friends or family. Revealingly, most of these students believed they should already have the answers.
An Australian survey found that 40% of new mothers feel pressured to always appear happy and in control, while a large majority of these same mothers admitted to privately feeling unsure, overwhelmed, and isolated.
These studies highlight an unspoken yet disturbing reality about modern society and that is, in developed nations in particular, we have come to view vulnerability and help-seeking as a weakness. We have come to regard self-sufficiency as the single greatest factor of success. And we have forgotten that the human experience is often defined, not by how hard someone persevered and toiled, but by their personal luck or providence.
Communities of Support
Philosophers have long contemplated why we chose, as a species, to live in communities. Why form social groups when we can easily sustain ourselves alone? Philosopher, Martha Nussbaum, maintains that we form communities because of a desire to live “with and toward others, with both benevolence and justice”. In other words, she says, we simply cannot imagine flourishing as individuals without supporting each other through life’s troubles.
Kimberley Brownlee of the University of Warwick, in the UK, agrees with this assessment and believes our need to be there for each other – what she terms “supportive social contact, interaction and inclusion” – is so vital to our personal wellbeing that it should be deemed a basic human right.
Interestingly, these philosophical views are backed up by anthropologists who suggest that one of the main reasons humans have flourished on this planet is because of our cooperative behaviours; our ability to help, support, and share new knowledge with each other.
Needing help is not a weakness; it is an inevitable by-product of a fickle human existence, and offering and receiving help is the cornerstone of both personal well-being and a well-functioning society.
So, sure, having the courage and tenacity to take charge of your circumstances is vital. Self-reliance, self-belief, and self-responsibility are admirable personal traits and should be nurtured and encouraged in all of us.
But the idea that we can succeed in life without any life-lines, guidance, or support is a dangerous myth. Help is not a four-letter word — instead, it must be seen for what it is: a natural birthright and our greatest responsibility to each other.
Struggling to ask for help?
- Embrace vulnerability: It’s normal to need help. Seeking support is a sign of strength.
- Avoid self-sabotage: Choose your helpers wisely and avoid those who might dismiss your needs.
- Don’t underestimate potential helpers: Ask those who seem capable of helping without prejudging their willingness.
- Be honest and direct: Clear requests are more likely to be met with assistance.
- Allow for “no”: Sometimes people can’t help, but that doesn’t invalidate your needs. Keep asking until you find the support you deserve.
I am making 2024 the Year of Living Deeper and in October, I’m delving deeply into the wellbeing benefits of vulnerability and help-seeking.
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